Internal Curiosity and More Secrets *Trigger warning sexual abuse

Throughout the next few years I began to let go of the feeling of abandonment and the fear of men. I made lots of new friends and even attended weekly church groups. My mother made sure I had plenty of positive experiences to help distract me from my troubled past. I still had various moments of anxiety and aggression, but I was on a steady path to improvement.

My parents made sure that during this time I maintained a relationship with my biological mother. We had a long distance relationship where she would call and write me letters. I would always keep in touch with my Grandparents, Aunt, and Brother as well. My Grandparents, Aunt, and Brother would visit me during most summers. They would stay at our house and part of me felt whole.

Throughout my younger years I really struggled with an internal hyper-sexual curiosity that I never discussed with anyone out of fear of what would happen. I knew and remembered the many times I had seen my biological mothers “friend’s” male body parts and the images were always flashing through my mind. I had discovered a channel on the cable box called “Playboy” and began obsessively watching it. I finally understood what had happened to me and I just wanted to learn more and more.

When I was about 6 or 7 years old while visiting with younger guests I was asked by an older boy if he could see my girl parts. We played a troubling game of “I will show you mine if you show me yours.” Allowing my curiosity to get the best of me, I let him touch me. He put me in strange sexual positions and told me not to tell anyone or I would get in a lot of trouble. Knowing deep down that something was wrong and that my new parents would be seriously upset with the situation, I kept it a secret until now. I have always been embarrassed that I should have known better and I have always been afraid to expose the individual. This has always weighed heavily on my mind causing great anxiety.

I held on to my adult and impure thoughts for most of my youth. My parents noticed something was off as they heard the sounds of the “Playboy” channel from my room. They eventually put a parental lock on the channel. That did not stop me. My sexual curiosity was always there. I wanted to learn more of what was supposed to happen with a woman and a man. The thought that another woman was doing the things that I had been forced to do made my many inappropriate memories feel less dirty and more normal. I had this thought in my head of what sex was supposed to be based on these dirty movies I would watch. I never knew this would backfire later on in life….

 

 

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